Self tanner can be a bad boyfriend: promising true love, but delivering only misery and patchy, orange colour. (OK, so maybe this metaphor doesn’t work.) By this point in the calendar I’ve had a few months of standing for hours in blazingly hot showers while turning my skin lizardy, ashy and dry.
What to do? Scrubs made of sugar or salt granules suspended in oil scare me. If anyone is going to slip, fall and die in the shower it’s yours truly.
So instead, I rip through most of a tube of Aveeno 60 Second In-Shower Facial, covering my whole body with something meant to be applied sparingly to faces. I feel very Marie Antoinette extravagant as its glycolic acid formula smooths away all the roughness on my ‘gator-like exterior.
Then the right self-tanner, discovered through much trial, streaked heels and Cheeto-orange error.
Avène Moisturizing Self Tanner Face & Body’s light gel cream spreads easily over arms and legs (with no tell-tale dark patches or streaks) for natural-looking colour. My torso stays pale and hidden under clothing at all times, so only the sticky-outy bits need doing. (Picture a turtle’s limbs emerging from his shell. That’s me. I am the turtle in this scenario.)
And for my face, Sisley Self-Tanning Hydrating Facial Skin Care smells ‘heavenly-slash-expensive’ (spoiler: it is) but the result is a hydrated ‘day on a Mediterranean chaise longue’ glow. (You know it’s chaise longue, not chaise *lounge*, right? Just wanted to clear that up.)
Once you’re over the shock of having spent a lot on Sisley, you’ll see that it’s worth it, as you’ll look naturally tan and never like someone heading into their fourth season on a Bravo housewives franchise.
A final note: please do not accessorize your tan with a French pedicure. Thank you.